I watched the 5-part series called Undateable on VH1.

The Top 100 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won't Be Dating or Having Sex.

Actually, I missed a little of the first episode.  Was nose-picking that far down on the list, or was it not on it, for some reason, because I certainly didn't see it mentioned?

Side note: Apparently nerd girls do not have sex with nerd guys.  Who knew?

Anyway, even though these kinds of things don't really apply to me, I still like to watch them.  It's amusing.  I was curious about how many fit me, and I must say that I'm a little confused about some of them.  They were not exactly detailed about the criteria.

The fashion stuff is pretty much the only category I cared anything about, so that's the main topic.

My main offense, I guess, is wearing jean shorts, a.k.a. "jorts".  The confusing thing is that I'm not sure if I actually do.

There were other shorts blue jean/denim offenses listed (none of which I wear), like cut-off shorts and capri jeans (japris), so obviously length is relevant.  So does that mean that there is a length other than full-length that is acceptable?  No one said that only full-length is acceptable.  Why distinguish between the length styles if only full-length is acceptable?

The jorts example the showed was a guy wearing some that reached to just below his knees.  Mine go exactly to the tops of my knees.  Is that considered acceptable?

Side note: What exactly distinguishes "dad pants" (a kind of blue jeans) from other denim pants?  They never clarified.

Next we have tube socks.  The example they showed was a guy wearing white tube socks that had two thick blue stripes at the top, and he was wearing them pulled all the way up.

So, is any tube socks at all, or is it just wearing them pulled up?  How does color fit into this equation?

I wear solid while or gray tube socks with black, combat-looking work boots, and I push the socks down to bunch around the tops of the shoes.  The bunching makes the top of the sock rest at 1.5 inches above the shoe.

Is that considered unacceptable?

FYI, the bunching keeps things like bugs, sawdust and metal shavings from getting down into my shoes.

"Then wear full-length jeans."  I live in Texas.  It's hot outside.  It's fucking hot outside.  I wear full-length jeans in the fall and winter... and I still wear the socks the same.

Cellphone clipped to the belt.  They gave an exception to construction workers, and an indirect exception to people who need to answer their phone quickly.

I'm a locksmith, and since the calls are forwarded from the office to the cells after three rings, then it's a good idea for me to answer it quickly.  I officially give myself a pass on this one.

One might, however, ask would I do it if I was not in that category?  Being a practical person, I probably would.  It's more convenient and the phone is less likely to be accidentally damaged.

Burping Loudly & Proudly.  Some of the ladies didn't like burping anywhere, but other were okay with burping at home in her company.  A couple of them were even willing to "do a war" of burping.

When I'm in public, I keep my burping as stealthy as I can.  No problem.  In the privacy of my own home, if you're not willing to compete, then I'm not interested in you.

Fake Swearing.  It depends on in whose company I am and how serious is the offending circumstance, but let's a say it's no-holds-barred (uh oh, that counts as a sports metaphor).

If I'm genuinely pissed off, then I go with fuck, shit, son of a bitch, dammit, and occasionally a goddammit, and sometimes I do combinations.  And understand that these are single exclamations.  Not parts of a sentence.

If, however, I'm just a little annoyed or disappointed, I go for amusing and or creative.  Son of a diddly (Ned Flanders).  Nut bunnies (Freakazoid!).  Ah, fudge-knuckle.  Ah, butt-nugget.  Fudgecicle.  Sometimes just a random noun that has nothing to do with the situation.

Then there's a middle level where I'm rather annoyed.  That's when I pull out some by-gone classics like consarnit or confounded.  Sometimes I whip out, conflabulation, though it is the lesser among the mid-level exclamations.

Side note: I've never heard of Tiffany Haddish before.  She's a comedian, and in the show, she is so freakin' adorable!  I just want to hug her from behind.  That's not a metaphor, by the way.

Bad Table Manners.  They did not mention it specifically, but I do put my elbows on the table.  And I will continue to do so unless I'm at a really nice restaurant, which will never happen if I have my way about it.

I say "never", but....

"Moist".  Just as a matter of circumstance, I rarely ever have any "need" to say, moist, so whatever, but this is one where I have to say gimme a fucking break.  If something actually is moist, I'm calling it moist.  Nuts to you.

Side note: Alessandra Torresani, of TV's Caprica.  I don't like you.

I, uh, did not like what you, uh, had to say, and I did not like the, uh, manner in which you said tit- I mean, it, and

I, uhm ... ....  Dammit!

Disturbing Laugh.  I have a variety of laughs.  It just depends on at what I am laughing.  Judging by their examples, though, I'm in the clear.

The C-Word.  Yeah, the "C-Word" is cunt.  Just another word that I never feel any compulsion to say unless I'm talking ABOUT the word, in which case I'm going to fucking say it, because I'm not a pathetic intellectual coward who is afraid of words like cunt, fag, or nigger.

Side note: Why must Jersey Shore exist?  Please go away, Jersey Shore.

So, anyway, actually, I am completely undateable, but that's mainly because I have no interest in dating.

Here's the thing, people.  It does not matter what you look like or act like.  You will always be deemed "undateable" by people who don't like how you look or act.  People who do like how you look and act will be perfectly okay with you.

Dress however you want to dress.  Behave like a dumbass.  I'm sure there's some weird person out there who is really attracted to dumbasses.  They may be hard to find, though, now that I think about it, maybe not so hard to find.  There are clearly a LOT of chicks attracted to dumbasses.

If you're going to change something about yourself, then do it for your own sake.  If you like how you are, and someone else doesn't like it, then nuts to them.

Let's play a fill-in-the-blank game.

One day, I hope I find a girl/guy who ________.

Do let me know if you fill the blank with any of the following:

1. doesn't like how I dress.
2. finds me annoying.
3. just wants me for sex.
4. sponges off of me.
5. calls me stupid.
6. degrades me.
7. hits me.
8. yells at me every day.
9. is lazy.
10. is only just tolerable.
11. I have to convince/trick into accepting me.
12. doesn't like how I naturally look.
13. can't handle the darkest parts of me.

Dating is a farce.  But, hey, some people like farces.